Congratulations, We All Win

Bra sizes are not a competition.

I cringe when I see how quickly a comment thread on a “celebrity bra size” article or a bust-related post on Facebook can devolve into an “I have it worse than you” contest. An article will appear suggesting, say, some curve-friendly button-down shirts. Commenters will immediately chime in that they can’t wear button-downs, because they are too curvy. The first wears a 36DD. Another says “oh, yeah?” She “has it worse.” She wears a 28J. Another’s plight is sooo much worse, she wears a 38K. One wears a 30A, and she thinks everyone else needs to count their blessings and quit whining. One wears a 34C, she doesn’t believe that these other commenters’ bra sizes exist, as she has enough trouble finding clothes as it is, and these other commenters must have implants (and therefore deserve condemnation). Then the whole conversation devolves into a series of angry, hurt, sad, and confused protests. The final straw is that these commenters will almost all say “I’m A [Bra Size]” instead of “I Wear A [Bra Size]”, which we know bugs the bananas out of me.

It’s really tempting to join in, isn’t it?  I know I’ve done it.  I’ve joined a conversation with women discussing their struggles with their breasts, and I’ve dropped my full-bust size on them without warning, just to provoke a reaction.  I did it . . . I don’t know why, actually.  The self-righteous side of me says I did it to startle the other women, to show them that there are sizes beyond D-cups, to educate, like the Bra Band Project does.  The more honest side of me says that I did it, frankly, to shame them.  “You think you have it bad?  Shut up.  You don’t know what I suffer.”

*     *     *     *     *

This week the Daily Mail published an article in which Linda Becker of Linda the Bra Lady fame allegedly claimed that modern bras are vanity-sized so that women feel like their boobs are bigger and their backs smaller than they really are. Now, look, call me crazy, but there is just the eensiest, tiniest chance that the Daily Mail exaggerated, sensationalized, and twisted Linda’s words to provoke emotional reactions and undermine the self-confidence of its women readers. This is a publication that red-pens every alleged flaw or indication of “excess” weight on a photo of a female celebrity while simultaneously concern-trolling celebrities who are “dangerously” or “scarily” thin. If you scroll down the sidebar on the Daily Mail site, most of the articles about female celebrities mention their age, bodies, weight, or some other physical attribute in the headline. So I’m not really inclined to respect their journalistic integrity, and considering Linda’s years of fitting experience and the incredibly vast range of sizes and styles she sells in her stores, I think it’s more likely that she was misquoted, or, at the very worst, that she misspoke. Update: Fussy Busty and Christina on Facebook directed me to the original article the Daily Mail appears to have used as its source, and to which, unfortunately, Linda proudly links on her own blog.  It does in fact appear that her words are less benign than I’d hoped.  Bummer.  Claire at Butterfly Collection has a great post up that clearly explains, in detail, the differences between bras manufactured today and bras manufactured earlier in the 20th century, which goes some way towards explaining what I suspect Linda was trying to say (be sure to click on her link to an article breaking down the very term “vanity size”; it’s worth your while).

Busty Girl Comics illustrates the competitive mindset for us. How lovely are both of these women? Very. But it’s excruciatingly hard to break free of the compare/contrast mindset. Caitlin Moran even talks about this in How to Be a Woman, which– have you read it? You need to read it.

The Daily Mail article is an example of the sort of messages women are bombarded with every. damn. day. that lead to competitive negativity. We are told our bodies are all that matter about us, and we are taught to break them down, belittle them, judge them, qualify them. We compete to see who can break herself down the worst, and we internalize the messages that say we have flaws. We have problems. Other people have it easier. Our breasts are problematic. I even heard it once at S Factor, after two hours of beautiful dancing: “No, seriously, my boobs are a PROBLEM”, and it broke my heart into thousands of pieces. Our breasts, NO MATTER THEIR SHAPE, SIZE, COLOR, OR CONSISTENCY, are not problems. They’re human. Everyone has them at some point in their lives. True, some breasts are small, big, scarred, tired, augmented, reduced, young, old, cancerous, or leaking (holla new moms!), but we all have them. Every single one of us (dudes too). And if we can tune out the shenanigans like the Daily Mail article that try to plant the fear in our minds that the lingerie industry is appealing to our “vanity” to disguise the fact that we are in some way flawed and deluding ourselves, we can better accept our own beauty and others’.

Let’s challenge ourselves to stop comparing and stop competing. Let’s remember that we wear bra sizes, we are not bra sizes. Let’s remember that all the extra numbers and letters allow us to calibrate fit for literally hundreds of different sizes and shapes of women, and that those numbers and letters aren’t there to threaten or challenge or insult or define or confine us. Someone has never heard of a G-cup, and thinks you’re exaggerating? Someone tells you your small breasts “don’t count”? Someone needs to look around and get a life.

Bra sizes are not a competition, because we all have a bra size.  We all win.  Competing for the best or worse is illogical.  True, you may find some things more difficult than another woman, but please remember that the degree of your struggles does not diminish any struggles she may face, and to imply that it does is hurtful and unfair.  Let’s change the conversation.  Let’s keep it positive, and let’s keep it encouraging.

P.S.  It’s October, and it’s Breast Cancer Awareness month. The single most important thing you need to do this month, even more important than wearing pink or posting something on Facebook, is to perform a breast self-exam, encourage others to do the same, and make it a habit. I’m TERRIBLE about remembering to do this, but let’s all do it, and remind our friends to do it, too. Breast cancer affects boobs of every shape, size, and age, and dudes aren’t exempt either. Take care of your spirits, and take care of your boobs.

17 Comments on Congratulations, We All Win

  1. Fussy Busty
    October 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm (10 years ago)

    In fear of sounding mildly inappropriate, let me just say that I am no stranger to touching my boobs. So, hopefully this means that I would notice if something is different or wrong. I’ve always felt like – because mine are so big – that there’s a fine line between “examining” and “having too much fun”… takes so long!

    Great post. Seriously 🙂

    • Sweets
      October 4, 2012 at 3:57 pm (10 years ago)

      Ahahahaha, I love it. It’s true, exams are more if an undertaking for some than others. Might as well make it enjoyable 😉

      • Fussy Busty
        October 4, 2012 at 4:07 pm (10 years ago)

        Well, my husband would have to agree with you 😉 haha

  2. Katie
    October 4, 2012 at 6:32 pm (10 years ago)

    Sweets, while I agree with you on not generally being a fan of “celebrity bra size” articles… I did see one article where I found out Sofia Vergara and I wear the same size bra. And I have LITERALLY never felt better about buying a 32F bra…. even bragged to my husband!

    • Sweets
      October 4, 2012 at 10:58 pm (10 years ago)

      No, but see, that’s awesome! You took away something positive, instead of saying “she must be lying” or “that can’t be right.” Rock on with your sexy self!

      • Katie
        October 6, 2012 at 10:49 am (10 years ago)

        I mean, it helped that Sofia Vergara is hot. And the rest of me doesn’t look like her for sure- but I’ve got one thing going for me!

  3. Windie
    October 4, 2012 at 8:59 pm (10 years ago)

    What I find most interesting about women getting into the whole “I have it worse”, “no, I HAVE IT WORSE” debate, is that seems to happen with, well… everything. Not just breasts and bras, not just women, everyone and everything. Like click a video on youtube and you’ll probably find a silly debate in the comments about something semi-related or totally unrelated to the video. And it’s full of people boasting their opinion about how right they are, how wrong you are, how “they have it worse”, etc. It’s so human to get into a competition, which I find weird.

    Not that I’m saying it’s okay. Let’s all get along and be content with ourselves ne? 😉

    • Sweets
      October 4, 2012 at 11:01 pm (10 years ago)

      That’s a really good point. I wonder what it is about us at this point in history that our default is to argue over who has it worse. Maybe I’m more aware of it happening to women/being expected of women because female competition is often exaggerated. Like, gossip magazines assume that all women who co-star in a film or TV series are secretly rivals. It’s this weird, nasty, fear-mongering type of assumption. I’m with you: let’s get along and be content with ourselves, indeed.

  4. Boosaurus
    October 5, 2012 at 11:56 am (10 years ago)

    Great points. My actual main gripe with seeing the “No, I have it worse!” arguments in terms of bra size is that I *know* a larger percentage of the women aren’t wearing the right size (especially with comments like “I’m super skinny and a 38DD!!”). I think that’s what tempts me to throw in a comment with my size and brief explanation, just to try to broaden their knowledge. But… I’ve really tried not to do that, as that’s really probably not the time and place to try to educate people (when they’re intent on one-upping each other).

    I come across people so often that think that their boobs are a “problem”, or ugly, or too big/too small, or whatever. I think remembering that “It’s not a competition” is really important. All boobs are awesome.

    • Sweets
      October 5, 2012 at 12:25 pm (10 years ago)

      Yeah, it’s hard when you know what’s-what to chime in and find others in a position where they’re willing to listen to you. Internet comment threads are probably not the time or place 🙂 And yes, the folks who wear size 2 dresses and (alleged) 36C bras make me wail and gnash my teeth, but only because I want better for them! Their boobs, as you say, are awesome, and deserve bras that treat them as such!

  5. Cora, The Lingerie Addict
    October 8, 2012 at 2:53 am (10 years ago)

    This is my most favorite thing I’ve read in a long time. I’m so glad you wrote this post.

    • Sweets
      October 8, 2012 at 7:45 am (10 years ago)

      Thank you so much, Cora!

  6. Evie
    December 19, 2013 at 3:26 pm (9 years ago)

    I always feel a bit guilty during these conversations, because my boobs are G cup (people would probably guess DD), kinda saggy, stretchmarked from multiple pregnancies, and not a problem at all. I have pretty neutral feelings about my boobs. I have negative feelings about the availability and price of bras, but not about my boobs. I feel like I have to conjure negative feelings, just so I don’t look vain.


4Pingbacks & Trackbacks on Congratulations, We All Win

  1. […] Congratulations, We all Win  – Sweets writes an amazingly eloquent post about NOT competing with each other and NOT comparing our breast sizes. […]

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  3. […] from Lingerie Bloggers: Hourglassy Sweet Nothings NYC Fussy Busty Butterfly […]

  4. […] Sweet Nothings – You ever visit a blog that always gives you the warm fuzzies? Well, Sweet Nothings does that for me. From her body positive attitude to her incredibly detailed reviews and thoughtfully honest editorials, this is a blog I always love to read. In a world that often feels very loud and very cynical and very harsh, Sweet Nothings is a beacon of kindness. […]

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