The lovely Lingerie Addict recently linked to a bunch of lingerie-in-the-news posts the other day, and I clicked on this one, because I thought it would be fun to see what brands women with more, um, generous budgets than mine turned to. Would they splash out on the fine and fancy, or would they be Just Like Us, and stick to their mid-price, readily-available stand-bys? Two celebrity responses really stood out to me:
“I don’t have a favorite lingerie item. I’m not well versed in that.” — Ellie Kemper
“I have this Agent Provocateur piece that’s really beautiful. Actually, it doesn’t compare to the La Perla thing that I have. I’m engaged, so none of this is slutty by any means, but Agent Provocateur is for when I want to look like a rock star and La Perla is when I want to look demure.” — Caroline D’Amore
I’m gonna come back to the charming Ellie Kemper in a minute, but first I need to take this Caroline D’Amore person aside (I had to Google you, Caroline D’Amore. You are my age, and you should know better) and give her a look of stern disapproval/disgust. Ruby, show them how it’s done:
Thanks, darlin. BECAUSE SERIOUSLY?!?!?
“I’m engaged, so none of this is slutty by any means.” Bite me, Caroline D’Amore. Sorry, All My Single Ladies, I guess we’re sluts now. YOU GUYS. Underwear doesn’t mean you’re a slut. Guess what underwear means? It means you are a human being who wears underwear. Done. Caroline, my wanting to wear Agent Provocateur if only they made my cup size doesn’t make me a slut. It means I love my body and I want to dress it in pretty things that make it feel good, you turd. I don’t want to tear down other women, but this is one of the dumbest things I’ve heard someone say about underwear ever, and I’ve heard some dumb things.
Ladies, if someone disapproves of your underwear, someone needs to get a life. You are absolutely and 100% pretty/goofy/young/old/thin/curvy/wrinkly/smooth/big/small/worthy enough to wear the underwear you like. Your underwear is for you, and the person(s) in your life with whom you choose to share it (also, sigh, being sexual doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It just means you’re a person). The only thing I will disapprove of is if you’re wearing a size that doesn’t fit you well or support you. Otherwise, carry on. You want to wear all-white cotton underwear every day because it’s your thing? Do it. You want to wear silk and leather every day because it’s your thing? Do it. You want to wear molded, padded, seamed, seamless, underwire, wire-free, lace, cotton, satin, etc. underwear, depending on how you feel? Do it. You want to wear something that makes you feel like a rock star and/or demure? Something that makes you feel like an absolute goddess? Something that makes you feel like a sex kitten? Something that makes you feel snuggly? Go for it. As long as your underwear is doing what it is intended to do, namely, support you, then carry on with your bad self. Don’t listen to the Caroline D’Amores of the world.
You are darling! The Office, Bridesmaids, etc.! Everyone loves you! Jon Hamm loves you, for pete’s sake! Now, obviously, if you’re completely uninterested in underwear, then you should also carry on with your bad self. Seriously! No shame in that. Some of my best friends couldn’t care less about their underwear, and they lead rich and fulfilling lives and are politely amused by my lingerie obsession. But listen, if “it’s not your thing” only because you’re worried Caroline D’Amore will call you a slut, then girl, you go out and find the prettiest, loveliest, most charming underwear you can, and you go over to Caroline D’Amore’s house, and you ring the doorbell, and you flash her, and you yell “Slut Power!” and then you run away and call Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt to go grab a beer and giggle.
Don’t be ashamed of being interested in underwear. If you’re old enough to wear a bra, you’re old enough to be interested in the bras you wear.